It’s a book about negotiation, written by a former hostage negotiator: Mr Chris Voss.

I will outline the key points in the book as I read through it.

Key Premises

(1) People have two brains: a monkey brain, and a rational brain. Can you guess which one lords over the other?

This is the fundamental premise of the book: control the monkey inside yourself, be aware of the monkey inside your counter-part and negotiate on that basis, and the outcome will likely be better (for all parties).

(2) That all people are human and they want to be heard. The corner-stone of the book is “tactical empathy” - this means you have to: understand your counterpart, and prove to them, that you understand them. Simply parotting: “I understand” and nodding your head with mild-indifference will not cut it, and will likely come off disengenuous. There are a few skills / stategies to help you make sure you understand: namely: listening and acting like a mirror:

(3) Negotiating is a discovery process. There is going to be 3-5 pieces of information that is hidden, that your counterpart possibly does not want you to know, that if known, would be a game-changer. You need to uncover these hidden gems.

Be A Mirror

Listening is difficult: you might get distracted, or start running your own ideas in your head. Unfortunately, you can only hold about 7 pieces of information in your head at any one time (possibly that you are not intimately familiar with). The only way to listen it to make that your #1 priority. When this happens, your counterpart will start to feel safe / comfortable about sharing with your information about what they want. Bingo.

Mirroring is a form of isopraxism. People mirror everything: tonality, body language, tempo, vocabulary etc. Why does it work? People fear things that are different, but are more likely to trust things that are the same. Mirroring is good because it facilitates bonding, encourages the folks you are negotiating with to communicate information / strategy, and to perhaps buy you time.

Key steps to mirroring:

1. Late Night DJ voice: slow.
2. Start with: “I’m sorry…..”
3. Mirror.
4. Silence. At least 4 seconds, to let the mirror work its magin on your counterpart.
5. Repeat.

Philosophies of Negotation:

(1) Uncover the hidden information. Discover it. This is your primary goal. (2) Don’t assume anything. Test these assumptions. (3) Slow it down. If you’re too fast, people feel as if they’re not being heard. And that undermines trust. (4) Smile. Pleasant demanours help solve problems.

When communication, tonality and facial expression is more important that what you say: it reaches into your advesary’s brain, and flips a switch. There are a few approaches:

1. Late night DJ voice: Calm, slow, with a downward inflexion. Late night DJ. You don’t want bargaining here. Calm, low, slow, re-assuring: e.g. “we don’t do pirate licensing.” End of story. Creates an aura of trust worthiness without creating defensiveness.
2. Payful / chill: smile, enjoyable.
3. Assertive: Avoid this - because you’re gonna have problems.

Don’t feel their pain: label it

• Prove that you understand your counterpart’s emotions, and arguably position. It basically acknowledge’s their situation and position, and emotions: it makes them feel like they’re being heard.

Labelling goes like this:

(1) It feels like… (2) It seems like… (3) It sounds like…

Watch out so you don’t use words like: “What I’m hearing you say is….” - using the words “I” puts people immediately on the defensive.

Whenever you’ve made a bone-headed mistake, acknowledge it quickly and move on. Even better that labelling the overt emotion is to address the underlying fears.

e.g. Grandpa whom no-one sees might be a little cranky. You could label it and say: “grandpa, it seems like you are a little cranky” but that doesn’t will you laurels. Label one step deeper: “Grandpa, it seems like we don’t care about you, that we don’t visit you” etc. Research suggests that the best way of dealing with negativity is to label it, and replace it with positive, compassionate and solution based thoughts.

Beware “Yes” and Master “No”

• Always give your counterpart autonomy: give them control. It starts with the ability to say: “no” and to avoid them committing them to something they don’t want to commit to. Make it super easy for them. “No” is really the beginning of a negotiation, rather than the end. So you don’t want to take anything someone says at face value, especially when they say “no”:

No can mean various things:

• I am not ready to agree yet.

• You are making me feel uncomfortable.

• I do not understand.

• I don’t think I can afford it.

• I want something else.

• I need more information.

• I want to talk it over with someone else.

Here’s what you do: simply label it, or ask a solution-based question:

• “It sounds like there’s something here that bothers you?”
• “What about this doesn’t work for you?”
• “What would you need in order to make it work?”

Repeat after me:

“I cannot coerce someone into my decision / way”

“I cannot coerce someone into my decision / way”

“I cannot coerce someone into my decision / way”

They can only do this out of their own volition. It must be them, and you can possibly shed light on them coming to make their own decisions.

Counterfeit “Yes”

1. Watch out if you start coercing people to say "yes". People will say "yes" just to get rid of you, or to renege later: perhaps the weather pattern changed, rendering the initial agreement void. Start with a no question, or at least questions which do not require commitment.

2. Affirmation "yes". This is not a commitment, but more like: "yes, I'm listening".

3. Commitment "yes". This is the "yes" which means your counter-part wants to proceed.

Make it easy to say “no”

• Is it a bad time to call?

Or if they’re not listening, at all, then you have to deliberately mislabel something:

• Sounds like you are not interested at all.

Or ask them:

• what are the things that you definitely don’t want.

• have you given up on this project? Fear of loss, while phrasing this as a “no” will almost certain elicit a response.

Lastly, if you’re not hearing any nos, then that’s a big problem. A big problem. You’re dealing with people who are indecisive, or confused, or have a hidden agenda, or possibly have no limits whatsoever on their pricing etc. - but we all know that everything has a limit. You should probably find out what’s really going on, and/or try to walk away if it aint good.

“That’s right!”

• “That’s right!” are the magic two words you need to hear. “Yes” is a cheap counterfeit: you don’t want to hear that. “You’re right” is a phrase used to shut people up and make them go away.

Consider highlighting the list of things used with Sabaya, as on page: 102.

To get to the “that’s right” position, you need to:

• effectively summarize and label your counter-part’s position.

Bend your counter-part’s reality (Chapter 6)

Nothing is ever on the surface. When you get someone in your family kidknapped, you will likely be scared beyond comprehension. All you want to do is to pay. And get them safely home. Simple. But we all have irrational blindspots, hidden needs, and assumptions (which could be wrong). You have no leverage? Think again:

• people might have a fear of deadlines.
• misunderstood relationship to fairness etc.

Don’t Compromise

Of all the outcomes, this is usuall the worst. Especially so, if your couner-part is a win-lose type of person, rather than win-win: you’re setting yourself up to be absolutely swindled.

Most people in negotiation are driven by:

(1) Fear, or to (2) Avoid pain.

But great deals often involve making someone uncomfortable, annoyance, fears. Rule: never split the difference.

Deadlines

“No deal, is invariably better than a bad deal.”

• Deadlines are almost always, arbitrary.
• If you declare your deadline, then both parties know about it.

The person on the other side does not think like you. if you proceed on this basis, you’re making a big mistake!

Caliberated Questions: Creating the “Illusion of Control”

You want the negotiatee to suggest the solution. If it’s coming from them, then it’s already vetted - and this eliminates a lot of hurdles and haggling.

What? and how? are caliberated questions. They really force the brain to start thinking. And if their brain is thinking and doing work, they’re your both getting closer to something that works for both of you. Why is a dangerous question: it can come off as accussatory - even though it was not. I learned the hard way:

There was an issue at present in a large listed company which I used to work for. I made a requisition request. It was denied. And out of curiousity - and only curiousity, I made the fatal mistakes of asking the judge: “why?”.

I’m not going to argue with you.

“Hey, I”m not arguing, I was just asking ‘why’ out of curiousity”

But it was too late. The gloves were off, and the guard was off. I had lost my swing at the top and there was no redeeming it. She was very rude about it. Possibly deliberately disrespectful. I was left lamenting: ‘what just happened?’

It was very unpleasant. Be warned. Words can be mis-interpreted. And most people take umbrage at the slightest misconstruction, or with the wrong tone. Luckily, most will openly display their displeasure.

The only time that “why” might work is if you are saying: “Why would you change from your currently established process?” For everything else, it is best to convert the question into a what:

• Why did you do that because: what were the factors which precipitated that decision?
• What is the biggest challenge you face?
• How would you like me to proceed?
• What is it that brought us into this situation?
• How can we solve this problem?
• What’s the objective? What are we trying to accomplish here?
• How am I supposed to do that?

When you ask these questions, the negotiatee is forced to think about solutions that work for them - and because those solutions are coming out of their own mouths, you don’t need buy-in - as if they were coming from your mouth, and you don’t need to communicate that, and understand that it has been well communicated.

Exercises

Reading is one thing, implementing is quite another. The only way to master it all, is to rip off a chunk, digest it, and then move on to the next lesson once it’s incorporated into your life. In other words, focus on one thing at a time.

(a) Labels

• Required to get to WHY something is like it is; requires the counter party to give you the information.

Change in body language

• It looks like something crossed your mind.
• It seems like your uncomfortable with that.
• It seems like your hesitant

…use if someone changes their body language etc.

To find out what’s going on

• It seems like you have a reason for: (i) saying that, (ii) doing that?

Impasse

• It sounds like there’s nothing I can say to get you to change your mind.
• It sounds like there isn’t enough value here.

Starting a business Conversation - when they call you

• Sounds like you have something on your mind.
• Sounds like you have a place you wanna start.

Price is just too high

(Don’t cut your price: find out what is going on behind it. Don’t cut your price.)

• It seems like the value is just not there for you?

Proof of life: Is there a deal there?

Sometimes there might not be a deal, and there might not be a deal with you. You need to find out whether they are:

1. Doing due dilligence: scouting the market etc. There’s no deal.
2. Free consulting: no deal.
3. Rabbit or the Favourite.

• “It doesn’t sound seem like you’re ready to make a commitment”
• “It doesn’t sound seem like you’re ready to make a commitment with us”
• “It seems like your still shopping around?”

Top 10 Tips to practice

1. Is now a bad time to talk (allow counter part the opportunity to walk away - autonomy and deference).
2. Is it a riduculous idea? (autonomy and deference)
3. Are you against? (autonomy and deference)
4. Have you given up on? (finding out objections)
5. Achieving Just Right (summarise their position - it proves that they are understood).
6. How am I supposed to do that? (lets counterpart know that what they’re asking is very difficult)
7. Your offer is very generous.
8. What makes you ask?
9. “Sounds like you’ve got a place to start” (I prefer: “Tell me”)
10. Seems like you have a good reason for asking? (let them brek the silence.)
11. Seems like you have a reason for not doing…. (if they’re not performing - collaborative).